Teaching by Example: The Big 3

Sorry to everyone for being late this week!  

These past couple of weeks I have been privileged to be a part of presentations on research within psychology.  Topics from rehabilitation for pedophiles, the psychological impact of video games (violent and non-violent), the cycle of eating disorders, the impact of self-esteem in marriage, my own: doorways to prostitution, and many others.  At the end of almost every single presentation, as the presenter and audience spoke about their opinions on what preventative/rehabilitative measures should be taken, one thing was almost always discussed: strengthening families, particularly in the examples parents need to set for their children.

This point was really driven home while I was volunteering at a local juvenile detention center last week.  There is an adolescent male there who was convicted of multiple counts of sexual offense, something which his family claimed was a shock.  This crime is something which is devastating, and unfortunately commonly introduced by a family member or another trusted adult early on in a child’s life.  We were thus not surprised when the father of this family was arrested this past week, and his house searched.  Your children pay attention to what you do.  You are their teachers.  

Thus, this week I am talking about 3 things I believe every child should learn from their parents.  Children must be taught to work honestly, play hard, and apologize quickly.

1. Teach your children to work honestly.

There are two large cycles in America that scare me.  One is the cycle of crime.  The other is the cycle of welfare dependence.  I had someone close to me describe welfare as the downfall of America.  While I believe there are those who truly do need and are grateful for welfare, there are many, many others who take advantage of the money, using it as a reason not to work.  This hurts many others, especially their children, who learn that work is just something for those who can’t get enough welfare/charity to live on.  

I have watched many friends and family members struggle through financial troubles as I was growing up; something which was difficult for me to watch and understand.  I just wanted to give them money to help them.  My parents taught me an important lesson, though.  They taught me that while giving is wonderful, teaching skills and creating jobs is even better.  I can remember my parents employing people in many ways in my home, and then having us work at the same time, often right alongside them; thus teaching their own children to work while helping others be self-sufficient.

I also have a poignant memory of watching the garbage man pick up our garbage one day, and remarking to my parents that I would never want that job--it would be the worst in the world.  They replied that, although it wasn't very pleasant, they were grateful for the garbage man, and that it was wonderfully honest work that he could feel good about at the end of each day.  That is a lesson that has stuck with me.  Any honest work, even if it’s unpleasant and doesn't pay well, is good work.

Parents, please teach your children how to work.  Even if you are retired or out of work yourself, get out and weed the garden with them.  Teach them how to do chores, and do them with them.  Serve that elderly neighbor.  Help them to organize their closet or make a bread/lemonade stand.  Talk about education’s role in their future.  Talk about what a resume/job interview is and how to do them well.  Describe the excitement of getting your first job, and the freedom/satisfaction that came with that.  Show a love for work, even if you have to fake it.  It’ll eventually come.   

2. Teach your children to play hard.

This may seem odd, as every child knows how to play.  Actually, I am becoming more and more convinced that children are losing the wonderful ability to play.  How?  Through video games, watching TV, and unlimited access to the internet.  Their lives are becoming more virtual than real.  I know many of you may be exhausted, overworked parents who go straight from full-time work to full-time diaper duty/homicide prevention.  You can still do it.  Even if it’s just once a week, plan a day or a night where you get together and do something.  My family did this by having a short discussion, activity and treat every Monday night, and an occasional outing on Saturday.  

Stumped for what to do?  Some ideas for cheap things to do with children:

• Go for a hike
• Have relay races in the backyard/a park
• A scavenger hunt.  The internet has GREAT ideas for scavenger hunts.
• Visit a museum
• Mud pie/snowman making competition
• Rock art creations
• Poetry made out of dry alphabet noodles/cereals
• Reading together
• Film a music video (crazy costumes a must)
• Have a dance party
• Make cookies
• Make pancake creations/eat them (Mickey mouse, hearts, flowers, etc.)
• Make a blanket/cardboard box fort and eat a snack in it
• Make popcorn balls
• Go biking
• Have a timed spoon-on-the-nose/how many spoons can you get to stick to your face competition
• Make collages out of magazine photos/drawings/newspaper articles
• Make pictures out of old make-up materials; grass, rocks, dirt, twigs, etc.; shredded paper, etc.
• Make a time capsule and bury it in the backyard/seal it in a can and put it somewhere where it won’t be in the way, but you’ll remember in....however long you set it for.
• Make pb&j’s, buy water bottles, and hand them out to homeless people downtown.  This requires caution, but will be a fantastically memorable experience.

........you can probably think of many more things to do, and the internet has even more!!!

3. Teach your children to apologize.

One thing I really appreciated about my parents is that they knew how to apologize.  I have many memories of arguments where my mother or father would come back, often within just a few minutes, and apologize for blowing things out of proportion, not letting me talk enough, etc. and then sit and listen to me. My father would sometimes apologize mid-sentence, realizing that as soon as his blood got hot, he was going to start something that wouldn't end well.  Because of this, arguments were usually quickly stopped by them or me the only way arguments stop well--with a quiet apology, and a kind request to hear the other side.

They let me know that, like me, they were human.  If I thought a punishment was unfair, they asked what they should have done instead, then asked if I honestly thought my new solution/punishment would work and why.  My solution was often overruled, but it made me think about how difficult I was being, and I often saw the other side more clearly than before.

As always, I hope this week’s post was helpful and insightful.  I would love to read about things that you've learned from your experiences!

P.S. This is unrelated, but while writing this blog, I was listening to this song over and over again.  I have a love for many cover artists I find on YouTube and elsewhere, and this is a truly beautiful and touching rendition of “We Found Love.”  I recommend watching the video, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g9poWKKpbU

Self Esteem

Self Esteem.  This self-help topic is appearing on an "improve-your-family-life" blog because I firmly believe the way you feel about yourself influences your relationships deeply.  I know it affects my relationship with my husband, family, friends and acquaintances in many aspects.  

I don't claim to have perfect self-esteem.  Quite the opposite, actually.  To cite just one instance, I ran a half-marathon in October 2012, and I stayed awake crying until about 1 or 2 am the night before simply because I was going to have to run in daylight with a whole bunch of thin people who ran faster than me, looked better than me, had better clothes, better technique, etc.  Don't worry...the experience ended up being a long, but good one, and I was grateful I did it.

Because I've struggled with this, though, I can tell you what really has helped me.  The things I've found are surprisingly universal.  

Question:  How does one obtain and maintain self esteem?

Answer:  Service, good music, exercise, eating well and sleep.  

This may seem odd, so let me explain.

Service

This is the biggest in my mind.  Service can be simple; it's not something you need to devote a ton of time or money to.  Find something that you can do for your spouse, your siblings, your children, your neighbor down the street, the random person in front of you at the check-out aisle of the grocery store, etc.  Whether you like them or not, even a heartfelt (POSITIVE) note will not only propel forward your feelings about yourself, it will also bring you closer to the person you give it to.  

There are many low self esteem scripts that are fixed through service.  Among them are:

1. My life isn't worth anything

Helping others lets you realize that you can make a difference.  You can see/feel a change, whether momentary or long-lasting.  Someone with the power to change like that has a life that is worth something.

2. No one likes me

If this is real, it's amazing what a sincere act of service will do to change others' attitude about you.  If this is simply something you tell yourself, enough acts of service will bring smiles and kind words from others, and you'll see that this is not correct.

3. I'm fat, ugly, etc.

There is a chance that you might be overweight and unhealthy, in which exercise and healthy eating is most likely the answer.  However, if you simply do not have the "ideal look" (which is something that changes slightly every decade, and largely every century, so it's dumb that we spend so much energy on it), it's amazing how much we put aside when we're anxiously engaged in a good cause.  The importance of your looks goes to the back of your mind when you're focused on helping others in any way you can.  

Good Music

Something about a beat will drive a message home, quickly and clearly, whether it's a positive message or a negative one.  Even if you don't specifically focus on the words in songs, any music that focuses of self-degradation or degradation of others is harmful.  The underlying meanings weasel their way through, no matter what.  Although I personally enjoy many Christian bands, you don't have to listen to Christian rock to find good music.  There are other popular artists out there that get it, too.  Some suggestions off the top of my head:

"Hall of Fame" - The Script and will. i. am.

"She Will be Loved" - Maroon 5

"Don't you Worry Child" - Swedish House Mafia

"Good Life" - OneRepublic (radio edit version)

"Radioactive" - Imagine Dragons

“What Makes you Beautiful” - One Direction

"Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" - Kelly Clarkson

"Skyscraper" - Demi Lovato

"Firework" - Katy Perry

"Who Says" - Selena Gomez

And so on and so forth.

Exercise

Even if you don't lose as much weight or look as good as you might want to, exercising brings endorphins that MAKE YOU HAPPIER!!!!  Walking/stairs/a few sit-ups or push-ups are great ways to start if you don't want to go running every day or spend a ton of money on an aerobics class or gym membership.  There are also workout videos of different lengths and levels on YouTube.  Exercising also helps you to curb junk food cravings, which brings us to the next step..........

Eating healthy

This can be hard and expensive, but so is eating unhealthy!!!  Even simple changes make a difference - drink more water, drink milk or juice instead of soda, spend money on a chicken salad instead of a huge burger, etc.  You can often tell how healthy you eat by what food you crave.  Don't get frustrated if salad sounds gross at first.  After a few plates of it (or some other healthy dish) it will get better.  The reason this helps self-esteem is straightforward.  When your body feels good, your mood and thought process is better.

Sleep

This is important for both genders, but was recently discovered to be especially important for women (feel free to look that up on the internet).  Regular sleep schedules are more important than longer sleep schedules.  Something about constantly changing when you go to bed/wake up throws the body off whack, and emotions often follow.  Exact amounts of sleep needed change with each age range, individual, and level of stress/sickness.  You'll have to figure out the specifics.  

These might sound stupid, but try it this week.  You'll be surprised what might happen, not only in your own life, but in the lives of those you interact with every day.  

*          *          *

I must note that chronic depression is a very real thing.  The above list will help relieve symptoms of depression at all levels, and will probably chase away mild depression completely.  However, if you diligently try this for a few weeks, and don’t notice much of an improvement or have recurring suicidal thoughts, I encourage you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist.  The right therapy and/or medication will help immensely in these cases.  

A Shout-Out to the World

I'm joining the small-time blogger community to support families of all shapes and sizes around the world.  As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (also known as "The Mormon Church", learn more at mormon.org), my beliefs might be mentioned, but the information on this blog is meant to help support individuals and families of every religion.  From single mothers to families like the one I come from (with two parents and ten children), I hope that the messages shared here will reach out and touch others in a way that will help them to improve their own familial situations, and subsequently, the lives of those around them.   

The idea for this project came while spending 9-10 hours/week in the State Hospital (the highest security mental facility in UT), and the short-term wing of the Juvenile Detention Center in Provo.  These experiences have shown me that our society is more broken than I thought it was, here in the "happy valley" of Provo, Utah and beyond.  

I firmly believe that if more people understood the importance of their own families, crime and mental illness would decrease immensely.  There would be fewer jails and more community service centers.  There would be  less violence and more love.  There would be fewer broken homes and families.  There would be fewer starving children.  There would be more demand for jobs, and thus less unemployment.  This would bring less need for welfare, and thus, lower taxes.   High school graduation rates would be high, and gangs would almost cease to exist.

I’m not saying that if families decided to spend more time together and parents (particularly fathers) changed their priorities and put their family on top, everything would be rainbows and butterflies.  I realize that there will be hard days.  There will be days when the sun doesn't shine and the rain is cold and unforgiving.  

My vision is that, on those days, as the rain turns into sleet and hail, there will be a parent, a sibling, or a friend who will see that someone is shivering on the corner.  I hope that, as that individual is feeling alone in a vast universe of nothingness, what will start with a wet coat and wet cheeks will end with understanding and love.

So here's my shout-out to the world: YOUR OWN FAMILIES - especially your children -  ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE.  Worry about them first.  Your anger, pride, video games, nightlife, pornography, or next buzz or high is trash.  It is filth.  It is nothing compared to the love you have waiting for you if you just decide to put down the magazine, brush the chip off your shoulder, and commit yourself to a new life - one committed to family.

Posts will show up sometime between Sunday afternoon and Monday evening every week.  I anticipate that they will range from tips on strengthening marriages and relationships with children, educating children on everything from math facts to the sex talk, cheap family outings/activities ideas, service/sharing ideas, time management, etc.   

If you have a story, tip, or question that you would like to share on this blog, please don’t hesitate to email me at lisagerlach10@gmail.com.